Andi Cayzer (abeautywithinme) wrote,
Andi Cayzer
abeautywithinme

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Wow..its been super long...

..since I've updated this s.o.b...wow. Ok, well I guess when the need calls, I write. And God knows I need to write. I don't know if any of you use your lj's anymore, but I guess I need to. I can't post shit on my blog on myspace without EVERYBODY bein nosy bitches and stickin their noses in my shit and putting their worthless 2 cents in it when half the time its about them to begin with. The ones I know I can trust are on lj, if they even read it. So here goes:

First of all, I have 5 kids total, my 4 biological and a stepson. Now, to be quite honest, my 4 can be hellions. So can my step but he's not too bad. In fact, the majority of the time, he's the best behaved. But lately, they've all been pushing my buttons.

I've not worked for the last 3 years bc I've been going back to college. I'm working on getting my RN license, and by the time I'm done, I'll be an RN with a BSN, which is great bc if I ever get sick of working on the floor, I can teach. So, yay for me.

But bc I've been home for 3 years straight, no job, I've also been a stay at home mom. Now, granted, I thought that'd be wonderful. I have always wanted to do that. But now that I've done it for the last 3 years, day in and day out, its gotten old. I've been to the point where I feel like that is the entirety of my existence, that I'm nothing more than "mommy" that changes diapers, feeds the kids, makes beds, does laundry, sweeps, mops, vacuums, and of course, deals with the sibling rivalries. I am so tired of it. I know that bc I'm a mom, that's something I will continue to do until they move out of the house, and I have no problem with that. My problem is that that is ALL I do. I HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE...

Sure, I could go hang out with friends..but then I'd have to drag along my 5 kids. NOT FUCKIN HAPPENING..The whole point of getting away and hanging out with friends is exactly that, GETTING AWAY..And if I happen to go hang out with friends and lose track of time, honestly loose track of time, my husband gets pissed bc I'm not home with him like I should be. Yah, I know he's got a reason to not trust me. But he wouldn't if I didn't feel like I had to hurt him like he hurt me. At least the person I cheated on him with was halfway decent looking. An asshole nonetheless but decent looking. And now if I fall asleep before he and I have sex, OMG its a national fucking crisis. I get a guilt trip the next day and I feel like I have to apologize. I'm tired of it.

And while I'm on the subject of him, I'm tired of having to raise his stepson for him. He's working late hours, granted, that's not his fault. But while he's here, I'm the one that still takes charge. I decide when the kids should eat, take baths, get dressed. I keep the house in order bc if I don't it becomes a pigsty. I'm the one who decides to clean bc it needs it. I'm the one who's raising his stepson, trying to make him not a sissy, trying to keep him out of trouble, trying to make sure he doesn't decide to touch my children inappropriately. I'm so tired of having to pick up the slack. He acts so much like his mother it makes me sick. I hate her and when he acts like her all I see is her...its rediculous. She picked her fiance over him and now we have to raise him. Honestly I don't even think he's Tim's. And I'm not saying that bc I don't like her. I'm saying that bc he acts more like Tim's brother. And he looks like him too. But whatever. I'm telling you if things don't change soon, I'm gonna fucking check my ass into a mental institution. I'm done.

And then if all this isn't torture enough, my sister in law is fucking pregnant. Ok, she's wanted another kid since she was with her ex husband, the father of her first child. Now she's with my brother, and they have FINALLY succeeded in getting her ass knocked up. I'm soooooo fucking excited...NOT. Its all she could talk about before, and now its even worse. And so of course the focus will be on her for the next 9 months or so, or until that baby's about 4..which is how it happened with her son CJ. If its not, she'll make goddamn sure it will be. She told my parents and instead of them giving her so much shit like they gave me, they were HAPPY..I mean WHAT THE FUCK? EVERY GODDAMN TIME I got pregnant, it was "wtf Andi?" But when someone else in the family gets pregnant, its "YAY!!! WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER GRANDBABY!!" And my mom tried to tell me its bc I have so many. They did that when I got pregnant with Kaitelyn. And Hayden. Fuck that shit. Apparently I'm not supposed to have kids. WELL NEWS FUCKING FLASH, I HAVE KIDS MOTHERFUCKERS, 4 OF THEM. (no I don't count TJ, even tho I should but I just don't fucking feel like it)

I have to go apparently. The kids are yet again doing what the fuck they want.
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